The Favor of a Reply

I was bred on basic good manners: you turn on the porch light, return your phone calls – but not after 9:30PM, you keep your voice down, and don’t crowd people in lines. In our house, the rule about presents was that they weren’t really ours until we wrote our thank-you note. For us, all of this was normal but as I got older I realized that this bred-in-the-bone etiquette was the exception rather than the rule, and I must say that it’s a damn shame.

Most recently I was planning a fun get-together with a group of friends, a class actually, and as with most classes, there are a certain number of places to fill. If all the places aren’t filled, the people conducting the class either a) lose money, or b) charge the organizer (me) for the difference. Since the instructor was certainly going to choose option b over option a, I knew I needed to do whatever I could to fill up the spots. (Okay, I grant you the class was a bit pricey: $60 for two-hours of instruction, but it was a “gourmet” course with lots of tasting involved in the cost.)

Full of enthusiasm I sent an email to my friends to test the waters about the whole thing. I even included a note stating: “Please RSVP by this date…” About ten people were immediate and unwavering in their responses: “Yes!” “Looking forward to it!” “Cannot wait!” – all of the things you want to hear when you’re planning a get-together. Yet, I still needed another ten or more people to fill the class, so I waited…and waited…and waited.

After the first ten people, everyone else was disturbingly tepid in their response. They would ask circumventing questions, wanting additional details, or would claim that they needed to check with either a) work, b) significant other, or c) daycare. This kind of thing I understand since we’re all very busy in this day and age, but even still, these folks in the “interested but non-committal” category never again replied, even after extending my deadline by a week. (The deadline wasn’t “just because” – the people conducting the class really did need to know! I don’t do these things for my health, you know.) Mind, these were some of my very best friends, not some random guy I just started to date – in that case I’d have known what to expect. How very disappointing, indeed.

“RSVP” – from the French phrase for Répondez, s’il vous plait,” or “Please reply.” According to the Emily Post Institute website: “This little code has been around for a long time and it’s definitely telling you that your hosts want to know if you are attending. Reply promptly, within a day or two of receiving an invitation.”

Could it be any simpler?. Yet why is it that "RSVP” means absolutely nothing anymore? I suppose people are used to the possibility of socializing without guaranteeing the commitment of attendance. I had thought that the invention of Evite was going to change things - how incredibly simple is it to answer with just the click of a button? Instead, people now just take a gander at the evite and then blow it off without a response. I suppose it’s really too much to ask for. After all, if you’re a busy professional with lots of social opportunities, you really should hold off on responding to invitations because you never know when something better is going to come along. It’s always best to keep a night “open” so that when that invitation to the Diddy’s latest bash, or chance encounter with Petra Nemcova, Maria Sharapova, or any other 6-foot-tall bombshell with an “ova” ending her name should come through, you don’t have any plans to hold you back.

Doesn’t anyone recognize how terribly rude and downright spineless this behavior actually is? And why? Is it truly going to irreparably change your social distinction to commit to something? To grace a hostess with the favor of your reply?

I tried to research these symptoms the only place I knew would be full of answers: my 1955 edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette. Sadly, there was nothing even mentioned about how to manage party guests who simply don’t reply to invitations. After all, people knew better in 1955. There were lots of examples provided about how to respond to any given invitation, formal to casual, but I don't think anyone would ever conceive of NOT responding to a kind invitation. Thinking that etiquette never goes out of style, shouldn't it be the same today?

I didn't think so, but I was still no further along in finding an answer. Even the great Dorothy Draper’s book Entertaining Is Fun doesn’t offer any advice other than the wise words: “The recipe for a perfect party: take what you’ve got; mix well with imagination, courage, a dash of humor and the desire to enjoy life. The result is guaranteed to please.”

I went back to the modern Emily Post online but still didn't find too much - it is probably beneath The Emily Post Institute  to think one would not respond. But, under the heading “Is that your final answer?” I found a few pointers:

• Changing a “yes” to a “no” is only acceptable on account of: illness or injury, a death in the family or an unavoidable professional or business conflict. Call your hosts immediately.
• Canceling because you have a “better” offer is a sure fire way to get dropped from ALL the guest lists.
• Being a “no show” is unacceptable.

Despite the Emily Post Institute's best advice, "flaky" or non-comittal behavior is expected today, and no one ever seems to put their foot down to uphold better etiquette. Even I am to blame on this one: the event I was planning had to be cancelled due to poor attendance, yet I know I'll still invite those who never responded to another party some day. I wish I were strong enough to drop them from my guest list, and I should, but who am I kidding? No one does that these days. Of course, people who know they've been remiss in replying usually come back with charming self-deprecation and "good" excuses...if only I let myself see through the flattering humility.

I don't think I'm overreacting, but let me know... 

Beautiful letterpress RSVP cards are part of the wedding collection at Hello Lucky! 

Comments

[Boudoir Betty]

I feel your pain, but there is hope! For my last birthday I gave my friends adorable letterpress invites. Perhaps because they were shocked by the use of an actual old fashioned invitation, they all RSVPed within days of receiving them! I was a little surprised, having had horrible luck with evites with the same group.

[maura]

i agree! i don't like evite one bit, and have stopped using it altogether -- too casual, and therefore too easy to blow off. i use printed invitations, and people are much better at rsvp-ing. i also find that an email to the individual directly is more successful than evite.